


Living In A Prison In My Mind

by WeHadABondingMoment



Series: Adrien Angst [4]
Category: Miraculous Ladybug
Genre: Abusive Gabriel Agreste | Papillon | Hawk Moth, Adrien Agreste Has Issues, Adrien Agreste Needs Help, Adrien Agreste Needs Love, Adrien Agreste | Chat Noir Has Mental Health Issues, Adrien Agreste | Chat Noir Makes Puns, Adrien Agreste | Chat Noir Needs a Hug, Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bad Parent Gabriel Agreste, Canonical Child Abuse, Chat Noir/Ladybug Fluff, Child Abuse, Child Neglect, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Hurt Adrien Agreste | Chat Noir, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Open to Interpretation, Other, POV Adrien Agreste | Chat Noir, Physical Abuse, Platonic Chat Noir & Ladybug, Platonic Relationships, Protect Adrien Agreste | Chat Noir, Protective Marinette Dupain-Cheng | Ladybug, Sad Adrien Agreste | Chat Noir, platonic ladynoir
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-26
Updated: 2020-03-26
Packaged: 2021-03-01 02:42:02
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,713
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23327935
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WeHadABondingMoment/pseuds/WeHadABondingMoment
Summary: Fear was all he could feel.Adrenaline pulsing through his veins, pushing him to get up and run, run, run – far away from the near danger.But the blonde teenager was well aware that this wasn’t an option, he already stepped out of line and couldn’t afford to walk away further.Or: Me heavily projecting on Adrien while knowing fully well that I shouldn't use this as my only coping mechanism.The name is from the song I listened to while writing - Alone by NF.
Relationships: Adrien Agreste | Chat Noir & Marinette Dupain-Cheng | Ladybug, Adrien Agreste | Chat Noir/Marinette Dupain-Cheng | Ladybug
Series: Adrien Angst [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1500095
Comments: 6
Kudos: 219





	Living In A Prison In My Mind

Fear was all he could feel.  
Adrenaline pulsing through his veins, pushing him to get up and run, run, run – far away from the near danger.  
But the blonde teenager was well aware that this wasn’t an option, he already stepped out of line and couldn’t afford to walk away further.

Get up, the boy thought to himself, trying to force his body to move but it just wouldn’t. He was trapped with no way to escape, simply because he was too afraid to just stand up again.

It was pathetic, really. His mind still screamed at him to not just lay on the floor, to get up and hide but he was frozen in place, his eyes tied to the floor, not daring to even just look up.

Forcing himself to breathe, the model closed his eyes and tried to focus on his surroundings.  
His mind was shattered, separated in thousand of little pieces all flying around in his head, causing him to detach from reality and leaving him lost in his head.

He knew that he had to get up or father would be mad but he couldn’t manage to control his body, even after commanding it to just MOVE.  
The boy always tried to control the things around him, was hesitant to change because he wanted everything to stay in a routine. Maybe, in the end, this was what controlled him, after all, it affected him greatly.

But now, where he was at a point where he was unable to control his trembling body, he started to panic. He needed space, he needed air, he needed to control his body.

He knew he was spacing out but he was too far gone to be able to bring himself back into reality. He wanted sensory input, felt the need to shake his hands rapidly but he knew he wouldn’t get away with it and he couldn’t afford to disappoint his caregiver further.

Caregiver. He wanted to laugh at that word and its ridiculous meaning. No one had ever given him care. Even his mother just stood by when father was furious at him and tried to tell him that he wouldn’t react that way if Adrien had just been better.

Desperately craving his mothers' touch yet resenting her manipulative character, Adrien was stuck. It wasn’t fair that he had to experience those things, it wasn’t fair, it wasn’t fair-

“Get up, pretending to be hurt is just pathetic.”

Adrien tightened the grip around his left arm, causing his fingernails to cut into his wrist. The piercing red pain bolted through his arm, finally giving him the stimulation he needed to force himself to get back up.

Opening his eyes again, he forced himself to look at his father, clenching his teeth at the distant expression. The blonde boy was horrible at reading other’s expression but he taught himself well enough to know that someone not bothering to raise his eyebrows while talking or even glance at him was someone disinterested.

Adrien had taught himself many things. He wanted to have a better vocabulary so he spent years looking up metaphors and saying, desperately wanting to understand their meaning.  
Months were wasted with practicing his posture, hours of forcing himself to just look normal.

He would copy his favorite characters in shows he watched, practicing in front of the mirror until he was able to mimic all of their expressions, forcing himself to raise his eyebrows while talking and smiling when someone approached him until his entire face was hurting so much that he couldn’t sleep until Nathalie gave him painkillers for his horrible headache.

He got used to hiding everything he did another might consider weird.  
He stopped clicking his tongue in a certain rhythm or trying to only walk on certain steps on the stairs.

Got used to not being able to cover his ears while eating something he didn’t like to block out the verbal stimulation which overwhelmed him along with the taste, got used to not being able to move his tongue around and having to keep silent like the trophy he was, only performing when he was needed and otherwise staying in line, not even daring to breathe too loud.

He did all of those things to not embarrass father, to keep him calm and follow his mother’s advice. Being weird meant pain, whether it was father lashing out at him or the few children he was allowed to meet up with calling him weird and different.

But he was also suffocating. Mama had allowed him to visit a therapist after he asked for one when he was twelve and showed her the tiny scars on his arm.  
After he had told her about everything being complicated and too much and just painful she had told him that it was called sensory overload. Having a name for it was great, he wasn’t alone anymore.

When they were talking about poems during homeschooling, he confessed that he couldn’t understand them and for him, a red-tinted window was just a weird fashion taste and not some symbol for being crazy in love with the girl outside of it.  
His therapist had laughed at that, Adrien didn’t understand why.

He hadn’t tried to make a joke.

She had told him that taking things literal was an autistic trait and he had asked for what that meant.  
After she explained more about asd, she mentioned how he didn’t have to worry since he didn’t have autism, his social skills were far too advanced to consider a diagnosis.

Again, Adrien didn’t understand. He felt like the things she explained fit him well, he could relate to something. But he was too scared to speak up, he didn’t want to sound like he was trying to be autistic.

“Are you even listening to me!?”

The loud voice made him flinch, he had completely zoned out and forgotten that he was still in danger, he wasn’t allowed to think yet.

“I apologize for my behavior”, the blonde boy said, trying to avoid looking at his fathers' face. He wasn’t good with situations like those, he always felt the urge to laugh at the weird faces people made when they were mad.

“Quit talking so fast, I won’t sympathize with you just because you want to express your nervousness.”

“Yes father”, he answered automatically, not even realizing that he had talked fast in the first place. He never sounded the way he intended to, he always talked too loud or too quiet, to fast or to slow, not talking when he was supposed to, yet answering while someone else was still talking.

It was exhausting, Adrien needed a break. Yet he couldn’t afford one, anxiety was still running through his veins, yelling at him to get up and run.

“Am I allowed to go now?”

“Remember to never disrespect me again, I am your father and you’ll do as I say without questioning it.”

“But isn’t-”

Adrien paused for a second, realizing that he has talked before his father had finished and attempted to mention his thoughts again.

“Isn’t questioning the other’s behavior a smarter move?”

“You will not question my decisions, I am your father and it’s your job to obey me and my decisions. Their usefulness does not concern you in any way.”

Adrien disagreed. His mind was yelling at him to stop, to just do as his father demanded but he hated illogical behavior.

“Don’t you think it’s a little ignorant to-”

A loud sound echoed through the room and Adrien cradled his cheek in an attempt to erase a part of the pain. It hadn’t hurt nearly this bad when Gabriel did it the first time today even if the first slap caused him to fall on the floor, somehow this one hurt worse.

The pain had a more intense shade of red in his inner eye even if Adrien knew those thoughts would be ridiculous to everyone else. Pain itself didn’t have a color. Wounds did but pain itself didn’t, he should stop being weird.

Synesthesia. That was the name for combining two senses that shouldn’t be connected so closely. Luka was the one to tell him this after Adrien shared his way of experiencing pain and he found out that Luka had synesthesia too, he was able to see noises.

Maybe that’s why he was always able to find notes that fit together and created an aesthetical atmosphere (Adrien ignored that the word aesthetical didn’t exist, it described Lukas music better than aesthetic or musical could so he HAD to mix them).

Luka had told him that day that Adrien's voice sounded like a pretty mix between green and pink, causing him to blush slightly. He had gotten many compliments – most people had an obsession with his hair for some reason- but this one was certainly new.

He wondered what father's voice sounded like. People might expect grey but Adrien liked the color, to him it wasn’t cold at all. He just hated orange even if he couldn’t pinpoint why that way the case.

Adrien still waited for his father to say something, do something but when he looked up, the older man had already vanished, leaving his son alone in a lonely office, the only sounds audible being father’s computer and his breath and pulse.

Numbness overcame him after all the terror suddenly escaped his body. Adrien felt detached, dissociated, yet he couldn’t enjoy the feeling like it was usually the case.

The blonde boy walked in the direction of his room, avoiding Nathalie’s pitiful gaze on his bruised face. He walked straight into his private bathroom, he had some covering up to do.

When he looked into the mirror, he understood why the second slap had hurt him more. Apparently, his father had used his other hand. It seemed like he had worn a ring since there was a visible scratch on his cheek, still bleeding. Adrien caught a drop of blood, looking at it in fascination.

The many different shades of red merging into one were fascinating to observe and reminded him of the times he used to drag a blade across his skin. He missed the feeling but he knew he couldn’t afford someone finding out.

“Kid.”

Plagg's voice. When he didn’t continue speaking, Adrien remembered that he had to turn around.  
As soon as he was facing the god of destruction, he began to speak.

“Let’s go outside, alright? Ladybug is waiting for you. Your patrol started a few minutes ago.”

Oh, right. He was Chat Noir. 

“Plagg, claws out”, he mumbled, enjoying the pleasant feeling of his scratchy clothes being replaced with a skin-tight suit.

Adrien jumped out of the window, using his baton to go to the shore of the river Seine, where they had decided to meet. Ladybug was already waiting. Her red suit looked weird against the blueish river.

She wore a different lipstick than usual, he noticed.  
“Hi kitty, I already thought I had to patrol alone”, she greeted him, her lips forming into a smile as she noticed him. Guilt overcame him at her choice of words, he didn’t want to make her feel like she couldn’t depend on him.

“I would never miss an op-purr-tunity to spend time with you”, he said, adding a wink. She scoffed. “You already used that one this week, you have to work on your creativity.”

Did she mean it or was she just playfully teasing him?  
“I purr-omise to work on meow-self”, he answered, deciding to give an answer that would be alright for both interpretations.

She rolled her eyes and giggled, two reactions that didn’t fit together. She was probably being playful then.

Her eyes widened suddenly and she stepped closer, making Chat want to step back.  
“Your cheek is completely bruised, what happened?”

Chat wasn’t sure if he wanted to be honest. He hated lying but people didn’t usually appreciate him being blunt and he didn’t know which parts of his sentence were making them mad and which were fine to say so he decided to tell the truth but not the full one, he didn’t want to lie to Ladybug.

“I got into an argument”. He scratched the back on his head and gave her a cheeky grin.

“Really? With whom? Are you okay? Do you want to talk?”  
Chat blinked a few times, trying to process the questions but only remembering the first ones.

“Yes, really. With my father.”  
He didn’t understand why she looked so… mad? Worried? Worrimad? Married? Wait, married sounded suspiciously like a mix between mad and worried.

OKAY ADRIEN this isn’t the time to have stupid thoughts so please shut up.

“Wait, your father hit you?”

“Yeah, I already said that?”

Ladybug started to chew on her lip, her eyebrows closer than they usually were and her mouth slightly opened.

“Kitty, you… you know that’s not okay, right?”  
He raised his shoulders in a shrug and tilted his head. He kind of did but then again, he really did step out of line today, therefore he deserved it.

When he said those thoughts out loud – adding a sheepish smile -, Ladybug didn’t calm down as he expected her too which confused him because when he said something with a smile, people usually chuckled, even if it was self-deprecating so why wasn’t she?

“Parents aren’t allowed to hit their kids, even if they didn’t follow the rules. And according to you, you only requested a short break from your outside of school-activities, right? My parents wouldn’t even be slightly annoyed with me for asking that, your father shouldn’t either.”

Adrien felt anxious after her words even if he didn’t understand what made him feel that way. It was overwhelming. His father telling him one thing, Ladybug the opposite. The river was too loud, the sound of bees flying through the air along with thousands of other background noises made it worse. He wanted it to be quiet, he felt the urge to stretch his finger or cover up his ears or just escape all of this.

Ladybug seemed to sense his feelings since she stepped back, giving him space he didn’t know he needed until she gave it to him. He closed his eyes, tapping his fingers against his thighs rapidly, trying to calm himself down.

Successfully. The blonde boy inhaled slowly and forced himself to flinch. He used the energy it gave him to move and reach out to his partner, asking her if she would come along. After all, they had a patrol to finish.

“Alright”, she answered and began following him. She stopped him when they passed a balcony, Adrien recognized as Marinettes.

“Let’s take a break, shall we?”  
He nodded and sat down next to her, enjoying the sensation of the cold air against his bruised cheek.

He didn’t notice Ladybug's absence until she came back, carrying something. “Here”, she mumbled and pressed it against his cheek. An ice pack. She had brought him an ice pack.

“Thank you”, he said, hugging her. She hugged him back in the way he liked it by applying pressure on the touch but not enough to make it hurt. He sighed, enjoying her presence and she lifted a corner of her mouth at him.

“Do you know anything about zodiacs and stars in general?”

He responded, happy that she skipped the small talk stage, “Yes, I do know something about stars. I was super obsessed with them when I was 10 or so. I knew nearly every constellation that existed… I loved watching the stars through my window and naming the ones I knew, it was rind of a ritual that calmed me down.”

Ladybug gestured to the sky above them. “I know we can’t see a lot of stars yet but could you tell me more about the ones we can see? I would love to hear more about them.”

He nodded enthusiastically and pointed at a few starts. “This is-”

And he began explaining, completely focused on making Ladybug understand just how amazing the galaxy was. He could feel the luck and the happiness over someone genuinely caring for him. A smile started to decorate his face and suddenly everything seemed alright.

**Author's Note:**

> I know I usually try to stay more in character. However, I really wanted to vent so I decided to write Adrien the way I'd write myself. 
> 
> If you feel like I forgot any hashtags, just tell me and I'll add them.


End file.
